愧疚

最近一直想起了某些人 某些事

心很烦，有时甚至还会睡不着

每当自己一人时，总会回想起那些事

总是悲观， 犯贱地允许自己沉浸并无病呻吟

渐渐的，想忘记的事越来越多，想忘记的人也总忘记不了

想起了让我犯错的那个人，不恨，是我自己太脆弱

时间褪淡错误刻下的伤痕，兑开了回忆浓浓的味道

却无法消去一丝我对你的愧疚

对不起，是对我来说能给的最多的赔偿，也是对你来说最少最不公平的交待

可是他们还没有发明比对不起更有用的词汇

所以我还是只能说：

对不起

我错了

不求你原谅，只希望你过得比我好。

一篇旧作《母亲》

母亲

曾安躺于你的腹中，我们如此亲密
却不得不分离，这剧痛撕裂
我们相见一刻，彼此都哭了
你粗糙的手，细细地膜拜我每一寸肌肤
仿如朝圣

窝缩在你手里
纠缠的曲线，柔情的老茧， 是童年的记忆
如你的乳房
我们裸裎相见
那吸吮的规律 ，如你子宫里的浪潮声
喂养了我

我每一步蹒跚，背后总是你
欣喜的眼眸，闪亮
你用希望
一块块地铺叠我前方的路


现在的你安躺于生我时的白床单上
却以我出生的姿态

我们如此亲密，却又将分离
而你我出生时撕裂你一样，撕开
带走了一部分的我

眼泪在你脸上静静滑落，牵动我的（我们原是如此亲密）
却不能放声，只能为你轻轻擦拭
如你膜拜我的肌肤一般

我的掌声后是你， 我却一直不知
才放任你蹒跚的脚步追随
扭了脚，也不让我知道，
只退到我看不到的角落， 默默

妈，我多么希望在你笑颜如花时，
为你淋水施肥，种下这笑容
我多么希望病魔缠身时，为你承受
多么希望在你仍听到见时，对你说：

我爱你

谢谢你，邻居。

22岁的生日，收到了很多家人朋友的祝福。
谢谢你们对我的爱，很感谢造物让我拥有你们。

这是一封来自一位特别的人的讯息。内容如下：

我在一片荒芜中想起了你。

没能与你共度岁月为你立下旅行碑的日子，抱歉...

我相信有我或没有我，你都一样会快乐地过。

生日快乐！青春永驻。

我认识了9 年亲爱的邻居， 命运玩弄了我们，也成就了我们。 我是多么庆幸我曾经喜欢过你，而没有爱上你。这么一来，我们就能彼此珍惜，不会像世上的痴男怨女一样，爱上了彼此，也失去了彼此。

命运对我们是宽厚的， 它让我遇上了一个能在心灵上，文学上交流的知己。 即使我们的另一半不能在某一方面满足我们。 没关系，你还有我呢。亲爱的邻居，你的祝福，就算没有说出口，我也能感受到。

希望我们俩的感情能禁得起时间的考验，十年二十年三十年后我们能看着这封短信。

回忆起了你曾在一片荒芜中想起了我。

a words for my brother. Happy birthday.

just so you know, i am NOT a crazy bossy control freak that wan to have full control of your life. I'm more than happy to get off your case. Just took my side for once,please. Imagine a life when i had no obligation to answer those phone calls telling me about all your problems , how much time i can save ? Perhaps you will think that we always criticize you, correct your behavior of interfere your decision and never ever look at your good side or praise you. However, i wan you to recall. Did we for once, not be supportive when you were really in need? Did we walked away when you caught in trouble? Did we turned our back to you when you ask for favor that really matters? I believe we don't . Perhaps we weren't the best brother or sister in the world, or may be not even the average one. But our concerns and care are not in anyway lesser. You may said our concern and care hold you back from what you really wanted to be, or it interrupt and interfere some of your decision. Well , maybe its true. But don't forget, not one is perfect. We ain't saints after all.


I had no idea whether you bought that present for your 21th bufdae or not. But i hope you didn't. First i owe you an apology for yelling at you and insulted you, i lost my cool.
Its perfectly fine if you wan to buy a present for yourself  on your 21th bufdae. Something that you found meaningful and something u really wanted, a guitar. A guitar is good and the effort of you to continue your guitar learning touches me , i must said that i admired your spirit. Never give up. Its really good.
 
just that did you ever revised your decision of buying such an expensive one, was it necessarily? I am not arguing on the quality ,durable , price thing again with you. Remember Maslow's five need? There are
Psychological need where its mean food or cloth and there are other. Can you recall what that on the very top of the pyramid of needs?
Self actualization!! i know, there were some part of you always wants to be fulfilled. And its music you had chosen. I am not blaming your to skip all the other's need and jump straight to the top to achieve or pursuing your dream, or your self-actualization. You can have your dream  now , because you're young and because you can. But as your brother, i had to tell you this. Sometime, dream and reality must be balanced or else you will just end up to be a dreamer and when you are old , you will gonna regret this. Okay, perhaps i gone too far , but the point is as i told you before, needs and wants is something very different. Now since you are 21, u should act like an adult.

You are that kind of guy who want to have your own family, i always know that, and quite frankly i want the same too. But I CAN'T!! i envy you that u can have your own children and family and i couldn't. So i really wan you to be a better person to build a family. You can act like our dad u know? You can't had anything and everything you wanted because if you did, imagine how pathetic your wife and your children gonna. Don't have the opinion that you were young and its okay. Well, our character and personality are formed during we were a child u know and it existed and continue for a lifetime. SO ,its NOT OKAY!! you can buy something cheaper, we didn't stop you from that, did we? But 500++? that a lot for a student u know? Maybe u will think its not fair because i can spend so much money on this and that. But guess what, i am always gonna be LESS!! i won't had a child , a husband left alone a family. its actually a compensation for me to buy stuff. I needed to be surrounded and since money can buy companionship and other form of compensation. That's why i spend money.

But you AREN'T !! we are different. So, i will really need you to reconsider on your decision. If you decided to buy , then go ahead. i won't say a words. And this is the last thing that i ever gonna get involved with and i will be more than happy to get off your back from now. You are already 21, you are an adult, so you're gonna bear the responsible of your life. Just remember, No matter how your life are, you made it and dun ever said : its all your fault.

Happy 21st bufdae.

爱情的字典

我不可能会喜欢你   
死心吧，她真的不爱你


你人真的很不错
嗯，别抱太多希望。
她只是不懂如何拒绝你


你还蛮可爱的
可爱，可是不够爱
cute= unfuckable


我很欣赏你
有点机会，继续努力


我喜欢你
可是还是没到爱


我爱你
简单，明确
不过小心过于泛滥使用


i do
最感人的两个字


干
最高境界，一切尽在不要中

生日愿望

一个22岁非常理智的人

在生日时

也能为自己 点满蜡烛

贪心的许愿

希望今年能收到的礼物有

智慧（不要自以为是的小聪明）

爱心（爱护小动物，如：“小”强）

随和（出口不伤人，不贬低别人）

胸襟（不要尺码，要宏博奇伟）

肚量（不要尺码，要容人之量）

还有一样礼物，

愿望成真！

想念的感觉

把自己关在一间昏暗的房里，我闭上眼
不去管窗外的世界如何叫嚣
把星星璀璨的光华，拒绝在墙的另一边。

什么也不做，什么也不管
此刻的我，只想用尽全力地去思念。

思念以前。
思念你。
思念以前的你。

（xxs)
以前失恋失意时想你，会哭
回想起我们从前的要好
现在只会在某个月份的中旬
忽然记起是你的生日

（1x0)
想念你时
会懊恼
如果 我再勇敢一点
现在 可能结局会不同

（pey)
爱过，更恨过的你
其实一直都只是别人的影子
当时 多么执着
现在看来却像是放了一场春梦
发泄了 也就好了

（txb)
想念你的感觉像看旧照片，
像历历在目 又像隔了永远

（yxx)
你是我一直想着的人，也是一个不会再看到这些的人
所以才敢在这里说，我还爱你，对不起

有时不同的感觉，不同的人
有时同样的人，不同的感觉

唯有你（tyh)
让我想起时
嘴角微微上扬
心里总是暖暖地
相信自己是幸福的
因为，有你


(tcy)
可能多年以后我会忘记了你是谁吧
可是现在的我是真的喜欢着你
你的笑容很纯真
你的眼神很亲切
跟你在一起时的快乐，和
你唤我小名的时候，我感到的甜蜜害羞
虽然我们在一起的时间只有一个月，
虽然我们相遇的不是时候，
但我感谢造物让我们遇见。
（22/7/2011 加）

该丢垃圾了

我们都习惯把情感压抑住了。

该哭时忍住眼泪

该笑时也只掩嘴偷笑

该爱时不敢放手去爱

该沉沦时逼自己振作

该思念时却叫自己打住

而这些不能及时抒发的情感

垃圾一样残留在我们体内， 像毒素或脂肪

而当太多情感垃圾堆积成山淹没了我们

我们不是变得冷漠了，就是疯了。

有时该静下心来，

把这些拉圾清清吧。